Editor’s note: Ian Kerner is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and contributor on the topic of relationships for CNN. He is the author of a couples guide, “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.”

CNN
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Many heterosexual male clients come to my practice admitting that they chose their partner without considering sexual attraction.

During couples therapy sessions with his partner in the room, the man will declare that he does not know why he has not experienced the desire. Maybe it’s stress, low testosterone or feeling anxious.

But when I meet him individually, he often tells a different story. He tells me that he chose his partner without prioritizing sexual attraction.

Why would a person choose a potential life partner without feeling the spark of sexual attraction? And can these relationships survive and thrive? Can something like sexual attraction that wasn’t there in the first place be cultivated later?

I’ve talked to many men in their 30s who have told me, “When I found the woman I wanted to marry, she checked all the boxes. Except one.”

Features on that list include “being my best friend,” “she’ll make an amazing mom,” “our friends and families get along so well,” and “she really loves me.” The only box that hasn’t been checked? Sexual attraction – and often men do not even list that quality to begin with.

I was stunned.

Sexuality is the only thing that really separates a romantic relationship from a platonic one: I think it’s a kind of “relationship glue” that helps couples stay together through hard times. This is why I am perplexed that so many people devalue sex in choosing a partner for a long-term relationship.

“Research shows that while physical attractiveness is usually among the most important traits that people desire in a romantic partner, it is not at the top of the list for men or women,” he said. Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, a research center dedicated to sexuality. “Traits like intelligence, humor, honesty, and kindness are often at least as important, if not more so.”

Some men have internalized an “either/or” view of women: those who make great wives and mothers and those who are sexually adventurous, according to Chicago-based sex therapist Dr. Elizabeth Perri.

“I have observed this in male patients who are out in the dating world and feel the pressure to choose someone they perceive as ‘wife material’ but without sexual attraction, rather than waiting to find a partner who fits better both emotionally and sexually,” Perri told me.

Good sex can help protect against psychological distress, including anxiety and depression, help couples achieve a deeper connection, and improve relationship satisfaction.

“If a relationship is a meal, the sexual part should be considered an integral part of it, like protein, instead of a frivolous part like dessert,” says Eva Dillon, a sex therapist based in New York City. .

“In my experience, it is possible for women to cultivate the desire for a partner with considerable effort, but if a man does not have the desire for his partner at the beginning of a relationship, he will never desire it Dillon told me. Why count on the sexual attraction that comes later when you can prioritize in a partner and enjoy the benefits from the beginning?

However, lower levels of sexual attraction are not always a problem for couples, said sexologist Dr. Yvonne Fulbright.

“For some people, the lack of sexual attraction can lead to infidelity or divorce. For others, the lack of sexual attraction only becomes a problem when it fits into society’s expectations around sex and desire “said Fulbright, who is an adjunct professor in the sociology department at American University in Washington, DC.

“A lot of pressure has been put on couples to maintain an active sex life, and so hot. People have the feeling that there is a type and a quality of desire that must be fulfilled, with any disinterest in such consider a problem that needs to be solved.”

Some of my therapist colleagues are careful to put too much emphasis on the importance of immediate sexual attraction.

“We have this misconception that we have to be physically attracted to someone when we first meet or there’s no relationship potential. That’s not true,” said sex therapist Dr. Rachel Needle. “Attraction can grow when you get to know someone and experience an increased closeness and connection.”

What should you do if you and your partner lack sexual steam? Or if you want to turn the heat on a relationship that did not have to begin?

Fulbright cautioned against giving broad advice. “Only the partners can figure out the best way to manage this challenge in their relationship,” he said.

“Non-monogamy can work for some, but not for others. Couples need to decide how honest they are with each other, how much this matter is a matter of staying together versus not, and how much weight should be given to this issue in view of other good things they have for them,” he added. via email.

Don’t feel like all is lost if you’re in a long-term relationship. For some couples, sexual desire can increase over time if you focus on it. “Often it’s not until our 30s that we’re comfortable enough to ask for what we want in bed,” Dillon said.

But I refuse to agree with anyone who thinks that married couples stop having sex anyway, so why bother prioritizing sexual attraction.

“Many couples in their 50s can explore and expand their sexuality thanks to maturity and empty nests. For couples in their 60s, 70s and beyond who are able to expand their definition of sex beyond orgasm and to co-create intimacy, sex can continue to be vibrant and rich,” Dillon added via email.

And remember, your sexual health is a barometer of your overall health. So if you really have an unexplained drop in sexual interest, consider talking to your doctor. Maybe your testosterone levels are really low.

Whatever the source of your lack of sexual interest, just be up front with your partner. Honesty, as it turns out, can be a turn-on (eventually).